*Inserts typewriter noise* What are about to read is accumulation of multiple conversations either based in inquisitiveness, personal reference or perspective. It is some out of my own personal growth and areas of vulnerability.
The current societal state that world “functions” in very dichotomous in nature. From political views, race, to even views on relationships. It has taught us to have a very polarized nature of thinking and most people’s stream of consciousness tend to lie on one end of an extreme. Rarely do we like to acknowledge that there that we have view from both sides and that there are healthy mediums, that outside of things being black and white that sometimes grey exists as well. And to go a step further we don’t focus enough on the consistent effort it requires to maintain the balance of a healthy medium which brings us to talking point: Healthy Boundaries!
Polarized thinking creates by societal norms have taught us to either A: Give everything you have, or B: Self comes first. I find this to be an area of vulnerability for people (myself included) because if you give; you are always giving (which yields great reward)… and giving and after a while you find that you are exhausted (physically, mentally, spiritually) ,but if you are on the other end of the spectrum, me always comes first no matter what the situation. The question then becomes, how do I balance being able to give while still keeping myself a priority. The healthy medium.
In my discussions about healthy boundaries, there was one common denominator in each conversation. There needed to be a clear definition or identifying point of a healthy personal boundaries and an emotional wall. So, of course me being me, I had to look up the definition to have a starting point.
Boundary- Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent
Wall- Something that acts as a barrier or defense
I realized from this that people use these terms interchangeably in their lives and don’t realize the significant difference between the two.
I found that when discussing emotional wall everyone discussed that emotional walls keep people out, but they also keep you in. It was also discussed that fears, trauma, hurt, heartbreak, and insecurities from either the past or present are the brick and mortar to our walls. An emotional wall is a misguided boundary rooted in fear. Usually anyone who referenced a wall talked about self protection from the things previously listed, and that usually fear of those things are what usually keep the person behind the wall and that as a result the person becomes so intertwined from spending time behind the wall with their fears, trauma, hurt, heartbreak and insecurities that it becomes a reality to the person.
When talking about healthy boundaries, I found that most people talked about self-awareness and make self-care a priority. Self-care and selfishness are not the same! I repeat self-care and selfishness are NOT the same thing. Healthy boundaries allow for you to keep the bad out and the good in. It’s about keeping yourself intact by not allowing others or life circumstances to jeopardize who you are as a person. Healthy boundaries means being in tune with yourself and your emotions and giving yourself permission to communicate consistently what you will and will not accept in order to maintain your being and peace. It requires you to be direct and consistently maintain your boundaries which requires constant effort. Healthy boundaries are a consistent practice of self-awareness in order to maintain self-respect.
I believe a lot of people have built walls and called them boundaries either out of a lack understanding unwillingness to find the source of root issues or being too comfortable and best friends to our fears and insecurities that they have become an everyday reality. Boundaries are a way to honor the person that you are. An emotional wall hides behind the hurts of the past. Healthy boundaries show growth and maturity and willingness to deal and move on from the past while emotional walls lives in constant fear of becoming separated from the person they hold prisoner. My hope is that we move from having emotional walls to health boundaries with the understanding that tearing down emotional walls is a process and maintaining healthy boundaries is continual conscious effort.